


Knocked for a (Fruit) Loop

by shadesofhades



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drunk Sex, Dubious Consent, M/M, No Porn, sort of mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 13:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15316260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadesofhades/pseuds/shadesofhades
Summary: Klinger has a sure fire new scheme for a section 8 --Hawkeye just hopes Klinger doesn't put his name on the birth certificate.





	Knocked for a (Fruit) Loop

**Author's Note:**

  * For [annabeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth/gifts).



> Rating is probably higher than it needs to be.
> 
> This fic has been kicking around my head for awhile, but was finally written as a nice break from the unending angst fest I'm working on.
> 
> Thanks to Annabeth for the beta and words of encouragement.

There is a hand in the center of Max’s chest, but the more pressing matter is the pair of long legs curled around his and the lips pressing sleepily against his throat.

“Trapper?” Captain Pierce moans, sounding groggy.

There are more sleepy kisses, and hearing that name coupled with those kisses went along way in explaining last night and what transpired after Captain Pierce had a few. Well, probably more than a few -- he had been, to put it delicately, completely plastered and feeling rather handsy. He had thought before that Captain Pierce didn't seem very discriminating when drunk, or even sober, truthfully, and now he had proof.

“I had a dream last night that the circus was in town and I went home with the bearded lady.”

He stayed quiet, waiting for Captain Pierce to open his eyes -- no need to startle him with the hangover he's probably nursing. Max hadn't consumed even a fourth of what Captain Pierce had -- just enough to get over the nerves of what he was about to do -- and he was feeling more than a little sick this morning.

The hand on his chest moves in a soft, soothing circle before it freezes and he can see the Captain’s eyes squeeze tight, like he's thinking over something unpleasant.

“I don't remember you being so hairy,” he mumbles before his eyes open, then go very, very wide.

It's amazing he doesn't hurt himself with how quickly he disentangles their legs and manages to climb off the cot. He quickly looks down at his naked body before he throws his hands down to cover himself. Considering how often he drinks himself into a stupor, he's somewhat surprise the Captain doesn't find himself in this situation more often. Although, admittedly, he's probably not usually pulled into other men's tents when he's too drunk to realize why he shouldn't be kissing them.

“I remember you being much prettier last night, Klinger.”

“I get that a lot, sir,” Max says with a grin, before he takes pity and passes over his favorite house coat. It's too short and a little tight in the shoulders, but it covers the essential bits, and it makes Captain Pierce relax a little. 

“I'm never getting that drunk again,” he says, grabbing his head with a groan and sinking to the edge of the cot.

“If it helps: you were very capable and considerate with a scared virgin last night.”

And scared was right. In theory it had all seemed so easy, even getting Captain Pierce -- it didn't need to be him, the plan would have worked with any willing guy, but he had proved to be an easy target and Max wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth -- into his tent and interested. Of course, theory didn't have anything on experience and when Captain Pierce had been naked and hard on top of him, he had nearly backed down. Getting out of the Army almost didn't seem worth putting that thing where the good Captain kept insisting it should go. But there's only so many times one can hear, “Trust me, I'm a doctor,” before you started believing it, and eventually, he had given in.

It hadn’t even been that bad, truthfully, despite his reservations about the whole thing. It was probably owed to the legendary Don Juan status Captain Pierce had around camp that he now knew didn't stop at just the girls.

“You don't even like men, Klinger,” Captain Pierce complains as he rubs his eyes. Max can't help but notice that he doesn't even try to deny his own attractions.

“That's how nuts I am!” Max tells him proudly, feeling happy that he finally gets to share his genius. “Wearing dresses is making me want to sleep with men. I'm so close to that section 8 I can taste it!”

“Oh no,” Pierce says with wide startled eyes. He suddenly looks less hungover than five seconds ago, although much greener. “Klinger, you can’t tell anyone. If anyone found out you wouldn't be getting a section 8 -- we would both be shipped back to the states with blue discharges pinned to the front of our uniforms. I don't know about you, but I enjoy having my dad still talking to me. Not to mention, being employable.”

“Gee, I hadn't really thought about that. I could see where this could get tricky. No sweat. Discretion is my middle name! Besides, this was only phase one of my shtick.”

“I'm afraid to ask about phase two.”

“Oh, it's brilliant, sir. I almost wish you could be there to see it.”

Captain Pierce blanched.

“I'm sure it is, but… Klinger, if you're not going to tell anyone we slept together, why didn't you just _tell_ everyone you slept with a man. No one would know it wasn't true but you.” 

“Huh,” Max says with a frown. “You're right. When you put it that way, getting you drunk so you’d have sex with me suddenly seems like a waste.”

Captain Pierce hung his head.

“Why me? Am I that obvious?”

“Actually, I was trying for Captain McIntyre -- he's always giving me these looks whenever I show a little leg -- but then you showed up and threw yourself at me. Who was I to say no?”

“Probably a good thing I interfered,” Captain Pierce says dryly.

“Why's that? You think he woulda hit me or somethin’?”

“No, but he's not a ride for a beginner, if you know what I mean.”

“Huh?”

“It's like waiting to go on your first pony ride and the guy shows up with an elephant.”

“You mean he’s…?”

“Like a Clydesdale,” Captain Pierce says meaningfully. 

“Oh.”

He feels a little faint at the idea. It had hurt enough last night and Captain Pierce, while not small, wasn't exactly winning any awards for size. 

“Klinger?” Captain Pierce asks after a long moment of silence.

“Yeah, sir?”

“Where are my clothes? I keep looking, but the only thing I seem to find are dresses.”

“Uh, about that, sir….” Max says, wondering how exactly he should break the news to him.

“I get the feeling I'm not going to like this.”

“Probably not,” Max says honestly, patting Captain Pierce’s arm. 

“Then don't tell me.”

“You were naked when you came to my tent.”

Captain Pierce runs his hands over his face and looks skyward.

“Do you know why?”

“Well, as far as I could tell, you thought a sensual striptease might persuade the Majors not to shut down your party.”

“Did it work?” Captain Pierce asks curiously.

“Oh, I think Major Burns was starting to be swayed until you tried taking off your shorts and fell head first into nurse Cutler’s lap wearing nothin’ but a smile.”

Captain Pierce groaned, but to his credit looked only mildly embarrassed by last night's faux pas.

“After that no one could have persuaded you to put clothes on, not even if the North Koreans had invaded."

Captain Pierce looks somewhat defeated -- although if his head hurts as much as Max’s, he isn't surprised that any fight is gone.

“Please, sir, borrow the housecoat to go back to your tent. It's the least I can do for you after last night.”

Captain Pierce stands up and stares down at the front of the pink robe with wary expression.

“If I wear this back to the Swamp, Trapper will know what, or more importantly, _who_ I did last night.”

“Sorry, sir,” Max says sincerely. “If I'd known about the two of you I'd have found someone else. Max Klinger may be a lot of things, but a homewrecker he is not.”

“Klinger,” Captain Pierce says slowly, suddenly standing to his full height and looking a little tightly wound. “Trapper is married.”

Right. Max might not be a homewrecker, but, technically, Captain Pierce is. Maybe he hit a bit of a sore spot.

“Hey, I ain't one to judge,” Max says hastily. “You two act more married then a lot of actual married people I know.”

“Klinger, no offense, but in the future I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your big beak out of our marriage.” 

If he had a scarf, Max has no doubt that he would be tossing it dramatically around his neck right now. How he manages to look dignified in a pink lady's robe he'll never know, but at least he's smiling again and looking less like he's going to puke.

“Now if you'll excuse me,” he says, turning on his heel and heading towards the door, “I have a walk to shame to do.”

Max listens to the wolf whistles that follow him all the way back to the Swamp and contemplates phase two.

\------

“Colonel, I need to talk to you!” Max announces as the door to the Colonel’s office bangs open and he enters, despite Radar trailing him with an annoyed,

“Klinger!”

Colonel Blake waves Radar off, and he goes with a grumble and a huff in Max’s direction.

“Klinger, I don't care what your new deal is, I don't have time today,” Colonel Blake says, holding up a hand to signal he should stop. He takes a long drink out of his glass, and he indeed looks a little flustered.

“But, sir!”

“Klinger, we're about to be up to our eyeballs in wounded and Major Houlihan and Major Burns are making my life hell. I don't have time to listen to your newest scheme for a section 8.”

“Oh, but it's such a good one, sir,” Max tells him cheerfully with a grin. “Guaranteed to brighten your day!”

Colonel Blake deflates and pours himself another drink. 

“Yeah, okay, but make it quick.”

“Sir, I'm pregnant,” Max says with pride, puffing out his chest. The effect is certainly helped by his favorite brassier, well stuffed with his army issue socks.

The choking sound coming from his elbow is the first time he notices that they aren't alone. Glancing over, he see Captain Pierce attempting to wipe away the scotch that spilled down his chin.

Apparently he had interrupted their meeting,although, judging from how little scotch was left in the bottle on Colonel Blake’s desk, he had the feeling the meeting hadn't been a happy one.

“Klinger,” Colonel Blake says, looking disappointed, “I didn't buy it last time you tried this one, and I'm not going to buy it now.”

“Oh, but, sir, this time I mean it! I have all the symptoms! Nausea, heartburn --”

“So does anyone who's ever eaten in the mess tent,” Captain Piece quips, but Max keeps on going full steam ahead.

“Unexplained weight gain, strange cravings -- yesterday I ate my tapioca pudding with a pickle, sir -- and it hasn't been that time of the month in months.”

“Klinger,” Colonel Blake says pointedly, “It has never been that time of the month for you.”

“Not unless we're talking about when the moon is full and he finally goes full werewolf on us,” Captain Pierce says.

“That would certainly explain the all the hair,” the Colonel agrees.

“Laugh all you want,” Max says, annoyed. “But I'm telling you, four months ago I had sex and now, I got a baby in my belly.”

He had made this dress special for today, perfect for showing off his baby bump -- he sticks his belly out so Colonel Blake can see it. It's not much of a belly, but he could only eat so much salami before he had started to feel sick. 

“Klinger,” Colonel Blake says with an amused expression. “I don't know how to tell you this, but a nurse can't get you pregnant.”

Max looks over at Captain Pierce, who is quietly draining his glass and looking longingly at the exit.

“I know that, sir,” Max assures him. “But a man could.”

Colonel Blake’s eyes went wide.

“Are you trying to tell me you slept with a man and that now I'm supposed to believe that you believe you're pregnant with his child?”

“It in a nutshell, sir,” Max says with a grin. “Pretty fruity, right? I'll just have Radar get you that section 8 form and I'll be on my way home to Toledo.”

“Klinger, I've half a mind to find the guy that knocked you up and give _him_ a section 8.”

Captain Pierce seems to take that as his cue to leave, rising to his feet and setting the empty glass on the Colonel’s desk. 

“Henry, this sounds very serious. I'll just see myself out.”

Colonel Blake’s eyes narrow suspiciously as his eyes dart between Captain Pierce’s shifty ones and Max’s desperate ones.

This is not going the way it was supposed to.

“Pierce,” Colonel Blake says firmly.

Captain Pierce offers him a picture of wide-eyed innocence that doesn't fool anyone.

“Yes, Henry.”

“Why do I get the feeling you have something to do with this?”


End file.
